An FAQ on Nikki, their pronouns & non-binary identity
Questions you weren't sure were ok to ask and a little bit more about gender identity in the 2020s. This is just my experience; everyone's got their own journey
Chances are if I’m sharing this post with you that you are someone I’ve just met or am just starting to get to know. Most likely, if I’ve sent you this link, it’s because I’m the first non-binary adult you’ve ever had in your social circle and possibly the first LGBTQ+ person married with a kid. Buckle up, but it’s not that exciting.
I’ve put some tennis specific questions just after the basics.
Basics
Why have you asked me to use they/them pronouns and why is this important to you? I identify as non-binary and there are lots of ways to experience this identity. When you use they/them pronouns for me, it’s a signal that even if you don’t understand what this is all about, you care about what makes me feel my most authentic and best self in your presence. Our society generally imagines two categories and social roles for gender, male and female, and nonbinary is a way to describe an experience that falls outside of those categories. When I came out of the closet as gay in 2002, we did not have separate ways of describing sexual attraction/identity and gender. Now we do!
Before we go any further, like, how does this work grammatically? What should I call you? Well, Nikki works great. But, here’s an example: “Let’s ask them if they want to come to the restaurant.” “It’s their ball/serve.” “How are you today, Nikki?” My wife uses she/her pronouns, my kiddo he/him, and we both use the word wife or spouse to describe each other: fun fact, we were one of the first 13,000 same-sex couples to be married in California back in 2008 (just before Prop 8, boo). I guess I would use the word gay to describe my sexual preferences. I’ve always hated the word “lesbian,” which sounds gross and clinical. But “queer” seems to work best.
What if I mess up? If you are someone I know from tennis (except the GLTA, you all know better) or a parent friend, do not worry, because this is new. I may correct you or remind you later. I’m used to being one of the first female-bodied LGBTQ+ people you might hang with, and probably the first with a family. It’s ok. If you are a tennis person, I’m probably wearing some high femme tennis dress, and that’s more confusing! I need to re-order my custom pronoun visors. BUT: If you are in higher ed, a medical professional, or work for a fortune 500-corporation, you do know better, so try harder, apologize, move on, and check your email one more time before you push send. Some person far more sensitive than me will get really sad if you mess up.
Do you want to be a man? NO!!!! From patriarchy, penises, body hair, facial hair, and performative displays of dominance, bleh. NO THANK YOU, HARD PASS. I also don’t identify as transgender, which to me means a firm male/or female identity that is mismatched with one’s biology. However, transgender can also be an umbrella term refer to the entirety of people who have non-normative experiences of gender. Also, men’s bathrooms are often absolutely disgusting, so hard pass on these too.
Tennis-related questions:
Why the tennis dresses? Tennis dresses are amazing and women’s tennis clothing is just so fun. I also prefer one continuous piece of fabric. Wearing tennis dresses makes me feel powerful and badass, and I love that aggression and strength and an amazing tough workout co-exist with flouncy and femme clothing. But gender identity (how you feel inside) is different from gender expression, or how I am performing gender through dress or activities or speech.
What about saying, “let’s go ladies”? Will that bother you? No! Not at all. Especially not in a group. Don’t worry! But, on an individual level, “please give the lady the ball” (thanks Balboa “gents”) or “here we go girl/lady” I would prefer if you avoided. But don’t worry!
Should we still invite you to ladies/girls nights/bachelorette parties? Yes. I’m fun. Also, one day, we’ll go to drag brunch or a drag show when we go to sectionals/Indian Wells. What about the dad’s night out cigar lounge? Yes, I do love whisky and cigars.
Why women’s tennis? I’ve got female biology, body composition, etc. Tennis is super gendered. That’s how it works. But I do enjoy hitting with people of both genders, hopefully that’s obvious. Also, peri-menopause stinks and I don’t want to talk about it, but I see you.
What does the USTA say about gender identity? The USTA’s policies are actually an exemplar for sport. Excerpted, “We seek to respect all individuals, and we take it on faith that players who compete under these rules are doing so not to gain a competitive advantage, but to enjoy participating in a manner in which they are comfortable.” In full here.
Where do you go in mixed doubles? Partnered with a man. Happy to play against two male-identified folks with a male partner, too.
Generally, unless you are someone in the GLTA, who really, really should know about gender identity and sexuality, I’m not particularly precious about any of this - It’s far more important to me for you to know I am “out” as LGBTQ+ and just feel out what it means to hang out with someone in this space - which is basically just hanging out with anyone else!
Other FAQS beyond tennis (tennis people do not need to read on!)
What is your experience of gender? For me, my experience of gender ranges from confused by standard norms and experiences of femininity to feeling generally apathetic about identifying with any one category, male or female. Some days, this experience is a bit more “gender-queer”: I wake up wanting to wear awesome sundresses and other days, I’m feeling hat and t-shirt and bro and cornhole/spikeball. That outward expression of gender is called gender expression (AHH I had identity here, that’s wrong, but know there are two different concepts: gender expression is what you DO, gender identity is who you are). I would really like to dress more femme at work, but I would rather you all get my pronouns right. People’s experiences of gender change over time, too. But I probably spend way more time thinking about gender than you do.
Is this some new thing? I mean, language adopts and changes, as does culture. So in a way, yes. BUT, for people who know me well, this isn’t much of a surprise now that we have these terms that I would use them. Transitioning pronouns was something I’ve been thinking about since 2018, but I’m not sure I really understood until 2020 that nonbinary was an “option” and that I wouldn’t be an imposter in that gender identity definition. I asked friends and family to start using new pronouns in 2022, when I knew I would be moving to California.
Are you transitioning? Please don’t ask anyone that question, btw, that’s totally personal and weird. Sort of? I changed my pronouns. I also changed my passport and license to “X” to reflect my nonbinary identity.
Is there anything that you are “dysphoric” about? Dysphoria is a “deep sense of unease.” Yes. Please don’t talk to me about womb-related stuff, especially the knitty-gritty gross part of childbirth or menopause, or dudes, your *ick or pre-bike/swim shaving.
What about gender-affirming care? Do you have any? Sort of. I consider birth control and skipping my period to be gender-affirming care. However, I’m hitting perimenopause early - in fact, people who have never been pregnant and who don’t regularly get their periods have a much, much higher chance (double!) of hitting early perimenopause. My break-through symptoms even on birth control are pretty much crushing my soul, especially that cup size increase, menopause “hip,” hot flashes, hair loss, insomnia, and extreme moodiness. I would like my ovaries to be taken out and fed to hawks, and I would, but for bone density concerns. Small dose testosterone is frequently used to treat these symptoms, so that’s also a thing. Generally, I do not want to talk about this with you.
Who’s the real mom of your kid? Really, never ask of any parent. I think you probably mean gestational parent, and my wife carried our son and he’s half her DNA (if you know us, look at those incredible smiles :) ). I’ve been with my puppy-kiddo before he was even an idea, and I am on his birth certificate and we have done a second-parent adoption. He knows he has a donor and not a dad, but why bother talking about this with him, ya?
What is your experience of parenting? Amazing. I have the greatest little dude a parent could hope for. That said, I definitely nurture like a mom but have much more of a “dad”-like experience - I’m hands on but it’s never quite right/as good as my wife’s prep, I don’t always know intricate details of orange peels or apple sauce preferences. I do not worry constantly about his safety and well-being, and I left my kiddo for a month for work, which my wife could never consider doing. My kid melts down after two days without my spouse but can handle my being gone a little better. It’s this difference in relationship I think that I notice the most gendered expectations, and it’s so weird. Dads, no you likely are not doing enough to help out!
I think I’ve covered pretty much everything, but if I missed something, please do ask, just at the right time and right place. Know that my experience is not necessarily someone else’s experience.